wish, for once, that I had a good, close friend at school. I mean, I had one last year, but I lost her. We never talk anymore. I mean, she's busy with a new boyfriend, college, work, upcoming graduation, being 2500 miles away. But we went from talking all the time, staying up til the next day, and doing almost everything together and going out all the time... to nothing. I hardly ever hear from her, the only way I know she's alive is through facebook and online blogs. And what good is that when you say you know something about someone - but you haven't actually talked to them in forever? Nothing. It's worthless.

I've been so busy lately that I thought I had some good friends. and, I mean, I do have good friends. They just aren't close. We don't connect. Or a few might connect on some levels, but none connect or want to hang around me much.

Is it something I do? Something I say? I don't even understand it. It's really upsetting.

Today is a beautiful day. Started out well, went to church, rode there on bikes with friends, saw some friends there, rode our bikes back, bike ride to fred meyer with a friend and back. Then laid out in the sun. Then it hit me. Because not much longer later, said friend was heading off to the waterfront with someone else. I mean, there is nothing wrong with going out with other friends, I mean, I hang out with several different friends myself. But I just wish I had that close friend I used to have. Even in highschool it was at ballet that I saw my friends, or working a preschooler class on thursday mornings, or even working at the animal hospital. Yeah, they weren't my age, but they cared to talk to me about stuff, and not just vent, but really talk. Go from that to college out in another state where I met some amazing people, made some amazing friends, and now... Now they're all lost. I hardly ever hear from any of them. And even when I do put myself out there and talk to them, they hardly ever care to respond.

I mean, I realize I made the choice to move 2500 miles back home to Oregon and go to OSU instead of Belhaven. But that had nothing to do with my friendships. I miss you guys so much.

With transferring, I knew I would be "an outsider" but I guess I had no idea I would be SUCH and outsider. Sometimes I feel like I'm an out-of-state student in my home state - how does that work?

All the freshmen have been able to connect with the other freshmen in the house because, well, they're all the same age, and figuring out this whole "college thing" at the same time. Whereas, I've done this whole "college thing" before, and pretty much know what I'm doing, but am just starting up in a new place, so it's kinda new, but kinda old. But now that it's getting towards the half-way point of spring term. And I still haven't connected with anyone.

My roommates are nice. The girls in the house are nice and we get along - with a few exceptions. It's really hard to connect with the girls my age because they're either already out of the house in their own apartments, or rooming together in really close-knit-cliques, and because I'm "the outsider" I can't get in.

But on a day like today, it's completely beautiful outside, and I don't really have much in the way of homework, but honestly, there is nothing I can do. No one I can hang out with. Everyone is already hanging out with other people, and I suppose I could leach on and hang out with them, but I hate inviting myself, because I hate it when people do that, and sometimes I feel like I do that, and I don't want to be annoying or bothersome to anyone, because I hate those people who are.

I have no close friend I can talk to all the time, go on a coffee date, see on campus, meet up between classes, try to get the same classes with, walk to and from class with, sit next to at meals and in meetings, shower party together, stay up late talking about nothing with, watch movies over and over again with (haven't watched many movies at all this term, which is a switch for sure, I used to watch them so often before osu), watch pointless tv shows with, sing songs with, lip sync to our favorite music, go on music searches with, share music, do nerd-dances at ridiculous hours with, give pep talks to, go to the gym with, go out to breakfast, lunch, or dinner, go on random food runs at ridiculous hours with, go on roommate-dates with, cry with, laugh with, go to my dance or orchestra performances, go to their events on campus and such... I have no such friend anymore. (I don't even know anyone that goes to my orchestra concerts. I mean, it's not a big deal or anything, but it's exciting to see a familiar face in the audience... and I know that I'll never see that, because no one comes. Ever.)

This afternoon as I was out lying in the sun with some other AZA girls, I decided to text some of my friends to see what they were up to, just generally being friendly - got a response from one. ONE! wtf. I mean, that's better than nothing I suppose, but I was still sad about it. I'm starting to feel like it's pointless for me to have texting anymore because not many people actually text me anymore - they said they would text me and talk to me more if I had text. but that's not even true. they didn't talk to me any more. It's still nothing, or ridiculously little.

Right now, I'd love to go for a walk, or get a smoothie, or just hang out outside with someone, but can I? By myself, yes. But with anyone? Nope. I got no one to hang out with.

And see, the thing isn't that I just don't have a friend like this, I mean, I do have some really good, really close friends that I would totally do stuff like this with... it's just that either they never talk to me anymore, or they don't live close anymore, so it's just not possible.

So what does that leave me with in the meantime until I see them again? Nothing... a lot of sorta-friends, and nothing to do when they don't want to hang out with me other than homework, and stalking everyone on facebook. Awesome. Such is the life of a junior transfer student to azalea house at oregon state. Go me.

(btw: if i haven't posted here recently it's b/c i've been posting on my blogger instead of here. I like it a lot better. )
http://boxfullofsox.blogspot.com/
http://electronichords.blogspot.com/

i use mainly the second one anymore.... can't get in? i'll allow you if you shoot me a message of sorts

i am in complete shock. and disbelief.
i just can't even think about it. it's so hard to realize.
this is true.
it happened.
she's gone.
i'll never see her.
ever again.
as much as i said i hated her at times, i've really, really missed her. i was looking forward to spending loads of time hanging out with her. playing, wrestling, goofing around, adventures around the yard, trips in the car... especially since my sister is going to be in Europe through March.
now i'm not sure what i'm going to do.

Twister died.

She got hit by a car and died instantly.
We let her run around our over half an acre yard all the time, and she always stayed back by our house, not caring about the neighbors other than bullying their dogs and chasing them out of our yard, and she never cared about the street either because the cars were far to terrifying.
i don't know how it went down, or how it happened.
but it did.

i suppose i should be thankful because it happened so quickly, and there was no complications with a vet trip and expense.... but that doesn't change the fact that she's not missed. overly much.



i don't know what i'm going to do now, without my twizzlers. you're greatly missed, girl.

so i dropped physics
(because i found out that my financial aid won't be affected by me only having 11 credits this term - they look at the year as a whole, and also, i figured it was the best option)
vh worship was awesome, as usual
i'm still ridiculously short on sleep
i went to the midnight showing (correction: the 11:59pm showing) of Quantum of Solace